Rations

SHUT THE DOOR SHUT THE DOOR SHUT THE DOOR! Oh my god oh my god LOCK IT! Oh god. They’re not far behind. I made it. Jesus I made it. Fuck. That was close.

It’s all still fucked out there. They’re in all the major streets, hundreds of them, just walking around, man, it’s insane. The undead, in our neighborhood. Still tough to get over.

I got to the mall no problem, managed to outrun them there, found a side door that was open. I loaded as many provisions as I could into this box. It slowed me down on the way back, and I’ll be damned if they didn’t almost get me, but the important thing here is we’ve got the provisions we need.

What? Is there some kind of problem here? Hello? Supplies? I mean I know it’s not much but it’s all the essentials I could carry. So yeah, take your pick of any of this but we should probably ration it.

I’m sorry Greg, is there a problem here? Yes I grabbed food. You’re staring at it. Oh I’m sorry, apparently Bacon Ranch flavored Pringles aren’t food. I got enough cans of that stuff to last us for weeks, and they won’t spoil. Didn’t expect hostility on that one but ok, fine, I guess they’re not everyone’s cup of tea.

Speaking of which, there’s some diet green tea Nestea in there.

Yes, Greg, there is more in here. The diet green tee and the Baby Bottle Pops are the new food supplies, but if that’s not up to your standards, let’s see…here. The Worst Case Scenario Handbook. Tons of stuff in there, guaranteed to help.

What? A fake book? The very real advice in this book is hardly fake, Greg. Fuckin…look! Page 94: How To Escape From Killer Bees. Knowledge is power, Greg, and I’m trying to educate you.

Ok now what is---oh fuck you, Greg, what is that look for? You think I didn’t bring back weapons, don’t you? I don’t believe this. Yeah, that’s exactly what happened. I went all the way there and forgot the most important thing. Why don’t you check the damn bottom of the box there, smartass. Straight from the office supply section, fully loaded staplers, four of them. Perfect improvised weapon.

Are you joking? Are you fucking with me now, man? Everyone knows you hold a stapler the right way and IT. SHOOTS. STAPLES. I don’t see how firing sharp metal at a zombie’s head is a negative! The force alone would---alright. I guess those don’t go very far.

No, you know what, forget it you guys. You know, you try to do something nice and you get crucified for it. Alright, maybe I didn’t pick out the most obvious items or whatever, but at least I went out there! Forgive me if I wasn’t aware of the absurdly high standards that had been set. We don’t all just have hockey sticks laying around our hip studio apartments, Greg! I risked my ass for you guys! I put my life on the line! I snuck out the back gate, ran through the streets, went to the ma---

Oh shit…somebody go check, I don’t know for sure if I shut the back gate. Man that’s like worrying about leaving the stove on, isn’t it? Just can’t shake it. Pretty sure it’s closed though. Pretty sure.