The Tour of My Brain

Hello, and thank you for purchasing the audio tour of Devin's brain. I'm your guide, The Way Devin Thinks He Sounds, but feel free to call me Young Alec Baldwin. Devin's brain is one of the least fascinating or original brains available in Los Angeles, or for that matter, the nation! Let's begin, shall we?

As you enter the Brain you'll see that you're passing through the Apathy Foyer. One of the largest rooms in the brain, initial plans for the Foyer were drawn up in 2001 after Devin's realization that Permanent Records did not exist before high school. Initial construction was finished the day before the SATs in 2007, but the structure is under constant expansion. This room is traditionally used for official Brain events, most commonly the weekly "I'll Get Up At Nine and Really Get Some Good Writing Done" late luncheon. Take time to absorb the atmosphere of inactivity before moving on.

As we move through the Brain, notice the portraits that line the hallways. They include Abbott and Costello, Jonathan Winters, Bob and Ray, Sid Caesar, W.C. Fields and Buster Keaton, just to name a few. These are all part of the Brain's "Comedians Devin Really Thinks Are Just Fuckin' Timeless, Man, And Whose Stuff He Would Love To Show You" collection.

As you descend the Staircase of Poor Hand Eye-Coordination you'll arrive at the Brain's gymnasium, a center for all things related to Devin's physical activities. The facilities here have everything an athlete like Devin might need: weight machines that he can't figure out, basketball courts for free-throw shooting only and a hot tub to reward himself after a hard walk to the gymnasium. The Brain's staff of personal trainers subscribe to the Devin Method, a rigorous regimen of I dunno, like, sixty sit-ups and however many push-ups you can do every other day for two weeks or until something comes up.

Feast your eyes upon one of the least advanced areas of the Brain, the Pursuit of the Opposite Sex Observatory. The Observatory is home to a team of thirty scientists who work around the clock on expanding the list of Endearing Self-Depricating Things To Shout At Girls Over Party Music. Notice the signature odor of stale Speed Stick. Let's move on.

Here we are at the Memorization Library, the second largest room in the Brain. This Library was first developed in 2003 when Devin, then 14, began memorizing every single word he heard on Comedy Central. Here you'll find sections such as "The Simpsons" and "Pretentious Literary Quotations", as well as smaller subsections like "No, Let Me Tell You What Your Exact Words Were" and "Acoustic Alt. Rock Ballads". Take some time to observe the Impressions Annex before continuing on.

Our final stop on the tour is the mail room. All around you you'll see large, towering stacks of Compliments, Positive Opinions, Genuine Words of Affection, Kind Pleasantries and Urgent Paperwork. The Brain enforces a strict, no-delivery policy of these goods.

This concludes your audio tour of Devin's Brain. We hope you enjoyed your visit. Please stop by the gift shop on your way out for some whimsical Internet t-shirts or hats you can't pull off.