Television Cops

City streetcorner. Two detectives stand over a corpse covered in glass, sipping coffee and looking up. Another stands by taking notes. A fourth scans the ground, wearing gloves.

ONE: Looks like this guy should’ve taken the stairs.
TWO: Mmm.
THREE: Boy, it’s a good thing I got a chance to look into this guy’s background. Pretty interesting stuff.
ONE: Sure.
FOUR: Got three .22 shell casings over here next to this dumpster.
THREE: Arthur Cosgrove was his name. A big time real-estate developer.
TWO: Well I bet his rise to the top took a lot longer than his fall to the bottom.
ONE: Nice.
TWO: Mmm.
FOUR: Following the general line of trajectory, we got another seven shell casings over here by the storm drain.
THREE: Yeah, he’s really important. Made a fortune in properties on the west side.
ONE: Should’ve invested some of that in a parachute.
TWO: Or a safety net.

One and Two bump their coffee cups together.

FOUR: Got two shell casings stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
THREE: So…does anybody want to ask me about this guy’s past or anything? I…I have all these notes.
ONE: I told you guys, I don’t like pancakes for breakfast.
TWO: What do panca---oh I see what you did.
ONE: I know, takes a minute.
THREE: You know this guy’s personal life could have some potential clues about possible suspects. Just saying.
FOUR: This is either a new shell casing or the one I was just looking at.
TWO: I thought they passed that ordinance outlawing sidewalk art.
ONE: Mmm. Not your best.
THREE: I bet you guys are curious about whether or not he had any enemies. Because…you know…the better question really is did he have any friends? You know what I mean?
TWO: How could I change that one so it worked?
ONE: It was too long. They’re quips. Brevity is important.
THREE: Because everyone hated him. So he had very few friends, is what I’m saying.
FOUR: Guys, can you move please? You’re standing on at least 50 .22 shell casings.
TWO: Now is that 50 shell casings from a .22? Or shell casings from a gun I’ve never heard of?
ONE: Stick to quips, Jerry. Stick to what you understand.
TWO: Sorry.
THREE: Whoa! You guys won’t believe what it says here about his romantic relationships! I mean, there were a lot. Let’s just say this guy was an expert and the horizontal mambo and the bait and switch!
FOUR: These are pennies, but let’s note them down as shell casings anyway.
TWO: I was thinking about trying something with a falling-out-the-window angle. You know, but still joke-y in tone?
ONE: Be patient. It’ll come.
THREE: He had sex with a lot of women is what I was getting at there.

A fifth cop walks in.

FIVE: Whattaya got?
ONE: Sarge, we got a hold on this case as good as gravity’s hold on this poor chump.
TWO: Damn, that was perfect.
ONE: It’s really just a matter of narrowing down who may have pushed him.
FIVE: What? You guys aren’t on the suicide! That’s over, he left a note, we’re just waiting on the coroner. You’re figuring out who shot that guy!
TWO: Whoa, is that a dead guy behind that dumpster?
FOUR: I wondered why he had no bullet wounds…
ONE: I…I don’t have any shooting jokes.