Letters From The Front

Ken Burns is a liar. In his films on the Civil War, he includes letters from soldiers to their families black home. These letters are always so eloquent that the viewer is forced to reflect on the email they just wrote and how, even in typing, they were too busy to type out all of the word "tomorrow". I present to you here, so as to capture the real tone of the average Joe on the front lines, some Civil War letters from my private imaginary collection.

April 12th, 1861
Dear Wife,
As you can tell by the date written at the top of this letter, the civil war has begun. In decades to come, few will doubt the authenticity of this letter, as it is clearly written on the first day of fighting in the Civil War, which was April 12th 1861. So we're shipping out today towards the south, I don't know exactly where, but I doubt it'll be nice. I don't even know if we get our own tents or what. Plus everyone in my unit is a jackass.
---Paul Waters, Union Army
P.S. This war is gravely sobering.

January 4th, 1862
Dear Wife,
Are you sure you sent my pillow to the right battlefield? I keep asking the Mail Officer, who is in charge of mail, and he says I haven't received any packages. Plus the word is that Jenkins at the next battlefield over just got a really fuckin nice down pillow delivered to him, along with letters from a woman he doesn't know. The rumor is the letters are erotic in nature. So yeah, if you could just check again. I'm in the middle battlefield, not the one on the right or the left.
---Paul Waters, Union Army
P.S. Four of my brothers died today.

July 19th, 1863
Dear Wife,
Holy shit you should've seen the battle today. So I'm like, down in the fuckin trenches, right? And we hear that the Confederates are like, planning some counter-attack. So my Captain's all uh, well, that's bullshit, so we plan a counter-counter attack. I'll skip the boring shit but we made up this plan and we all lined up and we all yelled something together it was totally badass but I forget what it was now. Anyway, we jumped out and just ran, screaming and shooting, and I mean I was hauling ass like a bat out of hell and I'm pretty sure I murdered like twenty-five people. One of them looked like my cousin. Then we won and took the Confederate camp and got to eat all their stew.
---Paul Waters, Union Army
P.S. I've seen things on this field of war that will haunt me until the end of days.

November 3rd, 1863
Dear Wife,
It's cold as hell out here. Everyone's acting all noble and shit, though, and won't admit that everything blows. I'm like hey everybody, I don't have any blankets when the officers get a tent with a lamp! I call bullshit! But nobody backs me up. Plus Matthew Broderick gave all the shoes to the black guys.
---Paul Waters, Union Army
P.S. My dreams are filled with screams.

April 9th, 1865
Dear Wife,
Well, the war is over. Yep. April 9th, 1865. End to all combat in the American Civil War. Anyway, I'm on way home but I don't know where the fuck I am. They won't even give us a ride back to the states we came from. They're like hey there's a train north! and I'm like yeah thanks a fucking bunch not all of us are from New York, dickweed. So I'm on my way, should be home in a few months. I swear to God if you've shacked up with one of those older guys who stayed home I'm gonna be so mad.
---Paul Waters, Union Army
P.S. I am no longer the man you married.