Things That Happen To Me The Day I Cut My Fingernails

AT THE CINGULAR STORE
ME: Hi, I've been having some problems with my phone.
EMPLOYEE: Ok...looks like your problem is the battery. All you have to do is reach in there and pry the battery out of it's incredibly tight casing and then put it back in.
ME: Is there any way you could do that for me?
EMPLOYEE: Sir, I don't get paid to hold your hand.

IN THE BEDROOM
HOT GIRL: Devin, you've been very patient over the last six months, and now I think I'm finally ready.
ME: Wow. This is going to be incredible.
HOT GIRL: Oh wait, I almost forgot. I bought this Marvin Gaye CD just for tonight. If you can just get it out of it's security packaging we can get to all seven hours of that hot sex we're gonna have.
ME: Um...can we do it without the music?
HOT GIRL: Well...I guess so. Go ahead and open the condom.
ME: I'll call you in a week.

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
DOCTOR: Mr. Field, it appears that your entire body is riddled with cancer. Luckily, we have some medication for it. If you simply remove five of these capsules from their plastic covering and take them immediately, you may have a shot.
ME: Please open these pills for me.
DOCTOR: Do I look like a fucking pediatrician to you?

AT HOME
PAST ME: Wow. That was easy.
TIME-TRAVELING ME: What was?
PAST ME: Oh, just opening the packaging on those new fingernail clippers.
TIME-TRAVELING ME: I have so much to warn you about.