Diffusing Tension

POLICE INTERROGATION
COP 1: I don't buy the bullshit you're slinging! And I'm prepared to beat you with a tire iron until I get the truth!
COP 2: Nobody burns down an orphanage in my fucking city and gets away with it!
COP 1: I'm gonna cut your thumbs off and feed them to your newly decapitated head if you don't tell me where your accomplice is so I can string him up by the neck and leave him to rot and fester in the noonday sun!
SUSPECT: Can I just say that you are really pulling off that Paisley tie right now?
COP 1: Oh, thanks! Yeah my daughter got it for me.
COP 2: Hey, I have a daughter too.
SUSPECT: I've got two sons myself.
COP 2: Cool.

FAMILY ARGUMENT
FATHER: I told you, I can't show the receipts from the Vegas conference because I had to submit them to corporate!
MOTHER: Yeah well I can show you the paperwork on the withdrawal you made out of an ATM in some bar called "Skin"!
FATHER: Just because you're an overweight she-hag doesn't mean I'm out there snorting coke off stripper's asses!
MOTHER: Sorry we can't all disappear on deep sea fishing trips with our platonic work buddy "Scooter" when times get tough!
SON: You guys! Look what I won playing skeeball!
FATHER: Is that a plush Pikachu?!
MOTHER: I'll clear a space on the mantle!

BANK ROBBERY
THIEF: Put your hands over your goddamn head!
CIVILIAN: Oh my God Oh my God Oh my God...
THIEF: I will kill you! I will murder every man, woman and child in this bank if somebody doesn't fill this bag with cash right fucking now!
TELLER: Hey you guys...I know it came out a long time ago, but can we please talk about Yankee Hotel Foxtrot for a second?
CIVILIAN: Don't get me started, I could gush all day!
THIEF: God, the sheer scope of that record is just breathtaking.

BREAKUP
MAN: I'm sorry, it's over.
WOMAN: How can you do this to me?
The man chokes on the hot dog he was eating and there is no more tension.