The Tour of My Brain

Hello, and thank you for purchasing the audio tour of Devin's brain. I'm your guide, The Way Devin Thinks He Sounds, but feel free to call me Young Alec Baldwin. Devin's brain is one of the least fascinating or original brains available in Los Angeles, or for that matter, the nation! Let's begin, shall we?

As you enter the Brain you'll see that you're passing through the Apathy Foyer. One of the largest rooms in the brain, initial plans for the Foyer were drawn up in 2001 after Devin's realization that Permanent Records did not exist before high school. Initial construction was finished the day before the SATs in 2007, but the structure is under constant expansion. This room is traditionally used for official Brain events, most commonly the weekly "I'll Get Up At Nine and Really Get Some Good Writing Done" late luncheon. Take time to absorb the atmosphere of inactivity before moving on.

As we move through the Brain, notice the portraits that line the hallways. They include Abbott and Costello, Jonathan Winters, Bob and Ray, Sid Caesar, W.C. Fields and Buster Keaton, just to name a few. These are all part of the Brain's "Comedians Devin Really Thinks Are Just Fuckin' Timeless, Man, And Whose Stuff He Would Love To Show You" collection.

As you descend the Staircase of Poor Hand Eye-Coordination you'll arrive at the Brain's gymnasium, a center for all things related to Devin's physical activities. The facilities here have everything an athlete like Devin might need: weight machines that he can't figure out, basketball courts for free-throw shooting only and a hot tub to reward himself after a hard walk to the gymnasium. The Brain's staff of personal trainers subscribe to the Devin Method, a rigorous regimen of I dunno, like, sixty sit-ups and however many push-ups you can do every other day for two weeks or until something comes up.

Feast your eyes upon one of the least advanced areas of the Brain, the Pursuit of the Opposite Sex Observatory. The Observatory is home to a team of thirty scientists who work around the clock on expanding the list of Endearing Self-Depricating Things To Shout At Girls Over Party Music. Notice the signature odor of stale Speed Stick. Let's move on.

Here we are at the Memorization Library, the second largest room in the Brain. This Library was first developed in 2003 when Devin, then 14, began memorizing every single word he heard on Comedy Central. Here you'll find sections such as "The Simpsons" and "Pretentious Literary Quotations", as well as smaller subsections like "No, Let Me Tell You What Your Exact Words Were" and "Acoustic Alt. Rock Ballads". Take some time to observe the Impressions Annex before continuing on.

Our final stop on the tour is the mail room. All around you you'll see large, towering stacks of Compliments, Positive Opinions, Genuine Words of Affection, Kind Pleasantries and Urgent Paperwork. The Brain enforces a strict, no-delivery policy of these goods.

This concludes your audio tour of Devin's Brain. We hope you enjoyed your visit. Please stop by the gift shop on your way out for some whimsical Internet t-shirts or hats you can't pull off.

Letters From The Front

Ken Burns is a liar. In his films on the Civil War, he includes letters from soldiers to their families black home. These letters are always so eloquent that the viewer is forced to reflect on the email they just wrote and how, even in typing, they were too busy to type out all of the word "tomorrow". I present to you here, so as to capture the real tone of the average Joe on the front lines, some Civil War letters from my private imaginary collection.

April 12th, 1861
Dear Wife,
As you can tell by the date written at the top of this letter, the civil war has begun. In decades to come, few will doubt the authenticity of this letter, as it is clearly written on the first day of fighting in the Civil War, which was April 12th 1861. So we're shipping out today towards the south, I don't know exactly where, but I doubt it'll be nice. I don't even know if we get our own tents or what. Plus everyone in my unit is a jackass.
---Paul Waters, Union Army
P.S. This war is gravely sobering.

January 4th, 1862
Dear Wife,
Are you sure you sent my pillow to the right battlefield? I keep asking the Mail Officer, who is in charge of mail, and he says I haven't received any packages. Plus the word is that Jenkins at the next battlefield over just got a really fuckin nice down pillow delivered to him, along with letters from a woman he doesn't know. The rumor is the letters are erotic in nature. So yeah, if you could just check again. I'm in the middle battlefield, not the one on the right or the left.
---Paul Waters, Union Army
P.S. Four of my brothers died today.

July 19th, 1863
Dear Wife,
Holy shit you should've seen the battle today. So I'm like, down in the fuckin trenches, right? And we hear that the Confederates are like, planning some counter-attack. So my Captain's all uh, well, that's bullshit, so we plan a counter-counter attack. I'll skip the boring shit but we made up this plan and we all lined up and we all yelled something together it was totally badass but I forget what it was now. Anyway, we jumped out and just ran, screaming and shooting, and I mean I was hauling ass like a bat out of hell and I'm pretty sure I murdered like twenty-five people. One of them looked like my cousin. Then we won and took the Confederate camp and got to eat all their stew.
---Paul Waters, Union Army
P.S. I've seen things on this field of war that will haunt me until the end of days.

November 3rd, 1863
Dear Wife,
It's cold as hell out here. Everyone's acting all noble and shit, though, and won't admit that everything blows. I'm like hey everybody, I don't have any blankets when the officers get a tent with a lamp! I call bullshit! But nobody backs me up. Plus Matthew Broderick gave all the shoes to the black guys.
---Paul Waters, Union Army
P.S. My dreams are filled with screams.

April 9th, 1865
Dear Wife,
Well, the war is over. Yep. April 9th, 1865. End to all combat in the American Civil War. Anyway, I'm on way home but I don't know where the fuck I am. They won't even give us a ride back to the states we came from. They're like hey there's a train north! and I'm like yeah thanks a fucking bunch not all of us are from New York, dickweed. So I'm on my way, should be home in a few months. I swear to God if you've shacked up with one of those older guys who stayed home I'm gonna be so mad.
---Paul Waters, Union Army
P.S. I am no longer the man you married.

Rations

SHUT THE DOOR SHUT THE DOOR SHUT THE DOOR! Oh my god oh my god LOCK IT! Oh god. They’re not far behind. I made it. Jesus I made it. Fuck. That was close.

It’s all still fucked out there. They’re in all the major streets, hundreds of them, just walking around, man, it’s insane. The undead, in our neighborhood. Still tough to get over.

I got to the mall no problem, managed to outrun them there, found a side door that was open. I loaded as many provisions as I could into this box. It slowed me down on the way back, and I’ll be damned if they didn’t almost get me, but the important thing here is we’ve got the provisions we need.

What? Is there some kind of problem here? Hello? Supplies? I mean I know it’s not much but it’s all the essentials I could carry. So yeah, take your pick of any of this but we should probably ration it.

I’m sorry Greg, is there a problem here? Yes I grabbed food. You’re staring at it. Oh I’m sorry, apparently Bacon Ranch flavored Pringles aren’t food. I got enough cans of that stuff to last us for weeks, and they won’t spoil. Didn’t expect hostility on that one but ok, fine, I guess they’re not everyone’s cup of tea.

Speaking of which, there’s some diet green tea Nestea in there.

Yes, Greg, there is more in here. The diet green tee and the Baby Bottle Pops are the new food supplies, but if that’s not up to your standards, let’s see…here. The Worst Case Scenario Handbook. Tons of stuff in there, guaranteed to help.

What? A fake book? The very real advice in this book is hardly fake, Greg. Fuckin…look! Page 94: How To Escape From Killer Bees. Knowledge is power, Greg, and I’m trying to educate you.

Ok now what is---oh fuck you, Greg, what is that look for? You think I didn’t bring back weapons, don’t you? I don’t believe this. Yeah, that’s exactly what happened. I went all the way there and forgot the most important thing. Why don’t you check the damn bottom of the box there, smartass. Straight from the office supply section, fully loaded staplers, four of them. Perfect improvised weapon.

Are you joking? Are you fucking with me now, man? Everyone knows you hold a stapler the right way and IT. SHOOTS. STAPLES. I don’t see how firing sharp metal at a zombie’s head is a negative! The force alone would---alright. I guess those don’t go very far.

No, you know what, forget it you guys. You know, you try to do something nice and you get crucified for it. Alright, maybe I didn’t pick out the most obvious items or whatever, but at least I went out there! Forgive me if I wasn’t aware of the absurdly high standards that had been set. We don’t all just have hockey sticks laying around our hip studio apartments, Greg! I risked my ass for you guys! I put my life on the line! I snuck out the back gate, ran through the streets, went to the ma---

Oh shit…somebody go check, I don’t know for sure if I shut the back gate. Man that’s like worrying about leaving the stove on, isn’t it? Just can’t shake it. Pretty sure it’s closed though. Pretty sure.