Gepetto

-A customer! Are you here to buy a toy?

-No, Gepetto. It's just...some of us guys in town got to talking and we're not really sure what it is you do up here.

-Why, I make toys in my workshop, of course!

-But the only toys you have are little boy puppets.

-What other kind of toy is there?

-I dunno. A rocking horse, a train set...

-Who wants that? Trust me, a little boy puppet is the way to go. See?

-That's disturbingly life-like.

-By moving the strings you can make them do whatever you want!

-I'm getting the sense that you wish they were alive.

-Oh I do! I wish that every time I make one!

-I think we'd all be more comfortable if you made something else.

-Well, I also make clocks.

-Perfect! We could use a clockmaker.

-Whenever my clocks chime I know it's time to get to work on more little boys!

-You're a lonely man, aren't you Gepetto?

-Hardly! I have a fish and a cat to talk to. And just last night a cricket moved in!

-I need you to show me your workshop.

-You can meet Pinocchio!

-I don't want to ask--

-I wished and I wished for a real live boy and this morning I finally got one!

-I'm burning this place to the ground.

For Ages 6+

Congratulations! If you are reading this then you are the proud new owner of a Mysterio Magic Handcuff Trick magic set! After a few simple instructions and safety tips, you'll be well on your way to impressing all your friends with the latest in children's magic toys!

Inside you will find:
1.) The Mysterio Magic Handcuffs
2.) The instruction booklet for the Mysterio Magic Handcuffs (you're reading it!!)
3.) The key and spare key to the Mysterio Magic Handcuffs
4.) Protective gauze and first aid ointments

Alright, let's get started!

1.) Remove the Mysterio Magic Handcuffs from their packaging and set them down, locks facing up. DO NOT set the handcuffs on a metal or glass table. DO NOT set the handcuffs with locks facing down.
2.) Apply a protective layer of gauze to your wrists, torso and lower face. DO NOT perform this trick without protective gauze. If the gauze tears, try to remove the handcuffs AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE and AS CAREFULLY AS POSSIBLE, taking care to keep the razor sharp underside of the handcuffs AWAY FROM YOUR SKIN.
3.) Put the handcuffs around your wrists and close tightly until the latch clicks three times. DO NOT let the latch click four times. If the latch clicks four times, call the Mysterio Magic Products Help/Medical Emergency hotline immediately and watch for signs of REDNESS or SWELLING OF THE APPENDAGES.
4.) Have a friend (preferably a trained physician or someone with first aid certification) lock the handcuffs with the key. (NOTE: The area around the lock, while having the appearance of being surrounded by sharp, twisted metal, is entirely safe.)
5.) Now you can add as much magic as you want! Encourage your friends to examine the handcuffs (while AVOIDING LOOKING at the Mysterio Magic Handcuffs for longer than 5-7 SECONDS). Just don't let them find the trick lock release button (location of trick lock release button varies from model to model)!!
6.) If you've built up the excitement enough, everyone should be convinced that the Mysterio Magic Handcuffs are impossible to remove! (NOTE: If steps 3-5 are performed in the incorrect order, the Mysterio Magic Handcuffs will be IMPOSSIBLE TO REMOVE). At this point simply press the lock release button lightly (LIGHTLY) three times (THREE TIMES) with your thumb (IT HAS TO BE YOUR THUMB) until the lock is released!

If you made it through these six simple steps, then you're right on track to being the hit of every party! (DO NOT use the Mysterio Magic Handcuffs in a room with SIX OR MORE PEOPLE).

Have fun, and enjoy the magic!! (In the event of real magic, contact the Mysterio Magic Company and/or your local hospital IMMEDIATELY).

Nostradamus

---Nostradamus, these predictions you've made are astounding.
---Thank you. Read them a second time, and you'll find things you missed.
---I will. But sir, what is your method?
---I'll show you. Here, do you have a piece of lined paper and a pencil?
---Wide or college ruled?
---Either will work. Now, in order to gaze into the future, we must divide it into several categories. Place of Residence, Occupation, Salary, Spouse, Vehicle and Number of Offspring.
---Is this how you do all your predictions?
---This is a time tested method. It never fails. Now you just fill in the categories. For example, under Place of Residence I'm putting Paris, Rome and just for fun, Pooptown.
---Where is that? Poland?
---Now you say stop.
---I've always thought your predictions were more about, you know...geo-political trends and what not.
---Say stop.
---It's just--
---Say it!
---Stop.
---Ok...thirteen, so...
---I'm finding all of this sort of difficult to believe.
---Well, you would. Considering you're Mayor of Pooptown.
---Who am I married to?
---Terri Hatcher.
---Who's she?
---Only time will tell.

When I Grow Up

My Future and Potential

By Jerry Rawls, Mrs. Whitman's Class, Grade 3

Everyone has potential. One day we will all grow up and get jobs. People can be whatever they want to be if they work hard. I will work hard and do good. I could be a pilot or a book writer or anything. What I want to do most when I grow up is kill Thomas Ridgley.

Thomas sits next to me and is mean. He knocked my Capri Sun out of my hand when I was holding it in my hand in the lunchroom at lunch and ever since then I have wanted to grow up so I can kill him. I also like cars and trucks, so I think I could be a good driver and that could be my job when I grow up. I would like to get a job driving a truck that's really big so that its tires can roll over Thomas' face.

When I went on a trip to Idaho we went on a tour of some caverns and a tour guide showed us around and told us about the place. Thomas made fun of the shirt my mom bought me at the gift shop and spit in my face and yelled at me. I think I would like to be a tour guide when I grow up and show people around a place like a cavern. Maybe Thomas would come to my cavern and I'd tell the rest of the group to go ahead and leave him behind in an unsafe room with lots of stalactites and dangerous spiders and rats and stuff. Plus I would get to wear shorts and a hat like Indiana Jones.

I like reading about lizards and snakes, so maybe I can grow up to be someone in charge of lizards and snakes. But I wouldn't show them to people at the zoo or anything, I'd just not feed them for a while and leave them in Thomas' house.

After Thomas pushed me in the woodchips at recess, I thought I would like to be a policeman. If I were a policeman when Thomas grew up, he wouldn't be able to push me around anymore, because I'd be the police. He'd have to do what I say because I'd be a policeman and I'd always be right. If I were a policeman, one day grown up Thomas could come home and find me in his house putting stuff around to make it look like he was selling drugs and taking pictures of children with no clothes on, and he'd be upset because he hadn't done these things. And he'd say he'd tell on me, and I'd ask him who exactly he would tell on me to, because I was the law. I would probably testify against him in court and I think the jury would believe me because I was a policeman. Thomas' grown up wife would be all sad and his children would disown him and he would have ten to fifteen years in jail to think about why he pushed me in the woodchips.

If this doesn't work I would like to be a veterinarian but only for dinosaurs.

Dream Team

The Wild Bunch rides back to Hole In The Wall after their first robbery.

NEWS CARVER: Good work everybody, our first successful job! Just to be safe, looks we should split up to throw the law off our trail.
KID CURRY: Agreed.
NEWS: Alright, well, Butch and I will take the low pass, Curry, why don't you and Sundance ride together through the canyon.
BUTCH CASSIDY: Um...actually, I think Sundance and I will ride together.
SUNDANCE KID: Yeah, that seems better.
CARVER: What? Why?
BUTCH: Well, it's just, you know, I know we only just met, and I don't want to speak for you here, Sundance...
SUNDANCE: I think we're really clicking.
BUTCH: Wow. Really?
CURRY: What, so we don't click?
BUTCH: No, Curry, we definitely click. The whole gang seems to be clicking.
SUNDANCE: Firing on all cylinders.
BUTCH: It's just Sundance and I are just---
SUNDANCE: ---cut from the same cloth.
BUTCH: Damn, Sundance, you've been finishing my sentences all the way since Cheyenne!
SUNDANCE: I just get you, man.
NEWS: You guys can't ride together. We split up all the supplies between your two horses.
BUTCH: Come on, it's only another few days ride. Hunt or something.
NEWS: Alright, fine, but I think we need to have a serious gang meeting once we all get to Hole In The Wall.
BUTCH: Oh, I'd love to, but Sundance and I have plans.
CURRY: What plans?
SUNDANCE: Butch is helping me move out of my old place.
BUTCH: Boy, you should see the studio apartment this guy got.
NEWS: Can we rendezvous there then?
SUNDANCE: Ooh...all I've got is my bed and the futon...
BUTCH: And you don't want anyone sharing that again, not after last weekend!
Butch and Sundance laugh.
CURRY: You gonna tell us what that means?
BUTCH: It's just an inside thing.

A Life Changing Experience

Summer jobs: we've all had them. Most people end up reflecting on lazy days spent waiting tables or sweeping floors. Sure, you earn some cash, but what's the point of it all? I, by contrast, was lucky enough to have a summer job that changed my life, for I spent the summer of 2009 working with a bunch of retards. Retarded kids, specifically.

In early June I began work as a counselor at Camp Alton for Special Needs Youth (which is just a more official way to say retards). Honestly, I didn't really know what to expect. Sure, I'm a sensitive, caring young man, but did I really have what it takes to work with retarded and vaguely deformed kids? But all those fears went away when I met the children. Their loving spirits and unending enthusiasm touched me deeply within the first few hours of working there. I could tell this experience was going to special. By that I mean special like life-changing, not special like retarded.

The first lesson I learned was this: retards have so much to teach us, you guys. There was this one camper named Jacob, and he was significantly more retarded than the other campers. One day we went to a public park to play on the swings (which reminds me of another lesson I learned: retards really like swings). Well, of course there were some insensitive kids already there who mocked Jacob and his behavior. But darn it if Jacob didn't just walk right up to them and tell them that he was who he was and hop right on those swings. In that moment, I saw a courage and a bravery from Jacob that I really took to heart. Plus Jacob's also black, so that's like, double sensitivity points.

There were plenty of other incidents over the course of the camp that showed me just how ignorant some people can be. It's shocking that we still live in a world where people are insensitive to someone just because they're really, really retarded. If everyone went through a week at this camp, then maybe in the future, instead of pointing out a retard and saying, "Hey, look, a retard, look how retarded he is," they might instead say "Hey look, a retard, look how retarded he is. That's awesome".

Up In The Lab

DR. DRE: Alright, Snoop, let me run this second verse by you.
SNOOP: Cool, let's hear it.
DR. DRE: So you go "If you ain't up on things" and then I go "Dr. Dre is the name/I'm ahead of my game/Still puffing my leafs" and then I wanna throw it back to NWA with something like, "Still fuck with the beats/Still fucking police."
SNOOP: Wait...still fucking police?
DR. DRE: Shit. No, that's not...that's not what I meant.
SNOOP: Because that sort of implies that that, not only are you having sex with officers of the law...
DR. DRE: I know, I know...
SNOOP: ...but also that you are continuing to do it and have been doing it for some time.
DR. DRE: Alright, so to avoid confusion I'll change it to "Not fucking police".
SNOOP: That makes it sound like you like police. Either that or you're trying to convince people that you are not having sex with the police.
DR. DRE: Why are my feelings so difficult to articulate?
SNOOP: I do not know.
DR. DRE: What I want to communicate is that the feelings I have for police are the opposite of love.
SNOOP: We're over-thinking this. I didn't have this problem when I came up with the phrase "still waters run deep".
DR. DRE: Alright, we'll keep it simple. "Still not loving police".
SNOOP: Cool.
DR. DRE: "Not loving" is the opposite of "fucking", right?
SNOOP: As far as I know.
DR. DRE: Good. I'm glad we sorted this out. The last thing I need is this album implying that I'm gay.
SNOOP: Absolutely.
DR. DRE: Oh hey, while you're here, help me out with this "Forgot About Dre" verse, I'm trying to figure out a way to work in a reference to the Cabbage Patch Kids.
SNOOP: Let's send Eminem on a coffee run.